Classification of Snapchats

Cats

Cats doing cat things: being petted, awaiting food, playing with toys, sitting on people, meowing, purring, running after a ball, sleeping.

Who’s a good dog, who

Look at you, yes, good dog, so happy jumping on my leg, greeting me, making happy noises, yes, you’re a good dog, so happy.

I’m here

A shot of the train station platform. You recognise it immediately, and now you know their ETA. Excellent, time to put the tea on.

Your empty space

We’re having fun and we miss you. Why are you not here? Come here and have fun with us. Here’s the empty space we’ve left for you. Look, it’s empty, and it is sad. You won’t keep it empty for long, will you?

Look at this

This busker accepts bitcoin. There a croissant on the top of the pedestrian crossing button box. There’s a new place selling burritos. Look at this funny dog. THE SHARD. A post-it note reading “misandry”, on fire.

Look at my hair

New hair colour and length has to be communicated to peers in order to receive validation and satisfy peers’ curiosity. It’s nice to know that you’ve only indulged that need for mere seconds and that you’re not that self-centred.

Weird Snapchat

These snippets of surrealism escape other classification. My favourite ones begin innocently enough, promising a short memory of a mundane moment, and then suddenly become something else, like someone making tea suddenly punching the tea in the cup, or the toast coming out of the toaster just to be picked up, thrown on the floor and stomped on.

Sext

Contrary to popular belief sexts never contain body parts. I have received snapchats of the following things that have been labelled “sext”:

The Big Reveal

You see feet moving on the ground. Left, right, left, right, one after another. The seconds counter is going down, and you’re growing restless, your curiosity piqued: what is it, what is it? Suddenly, at the last second, the camera pans up and